Having Open and Respectful Conversations
Written by Kaitlyn Kotala
February 10, 2023
If you know me, then you know how much I like to talk about assertive communication skills.
I like to use visual representations of what effective communication looks like: being passive, being assertive, or being aggressive.
Think about this: communication can be visualized as a spectrum and we tend to fall on different points based on multiple factors such as: our physical location, the context of the situation occurring, who we are with, who we are talking to, and our mood. We can also visualize the different types of effective communication using the classic story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears – too hot, too cold, and just right!
We may notice differences in our communication day-to-day. For example, in a meeting with our Boss, we may use more passive communication. In contrast, at a family dinner with our siblings, we may use more aggressive communication.
We may also notice that we can ‘jump’ communication styles. For example, we may begin a conversation using a passive communication style, but ‘jump’ to an aggressive communication style. Or, the style we use may change with the factors mentioned above. Why does this happen?
There are a few possibilities!
We experience a negative feeling (i.e., anger, sadness, fear)
We want to defend ourselves
We want to avoid being criticized or embarrassed
We believe our thoughts are true
We believe only our feelings matter
Conversely, we can also begin a conversation using aggressive communication, but ‘jump’ to a passive communication style. Why does this happen?
We experience a negative feeling (i.e., anger, sadness, fear)
We want to avoid conflict
We believe our feelings don’t matter
We have a fear of rejection
We feel threatened
The way in which passive, aggressive, and assertive communication is used can vary, although there are a few key components we can identify to determine the type of communication we are using.
Passive Communication may look like:
Avoiding talking about our opinions and feelings
Not respecting our rights
Not identifying and stating our needs
Avoiding eye contact
Only honouring the needs of the other person
Aggressive Communication may look like:
Using a loud and demanding voice
Maintaining eye contact
Controlling, blaming, intimidating, or threatening the other person
Only honouring our needs
Assertive Communication may look like:
Stating your opinions and feelings and listening to the other person’s opinions and feelings
Compromising
Using eye contact and an empathetic tone of voice
Honouring our rights and the other person’s rights
Using aggressive, assertive, or passive communication does not define who we are and assertive communication is something we can learn and expand on using a set of assertiveness skills. Next time we engage in a difficult conversation, reflect on how we approach the conversation and how we engage with the other person. Then, think about how we can employ assertiveness skills.
First, let’s define what assertiveness is. Assertiveness is our way of effectively communicating our needs and wants while respecting and honouring the needs and wants of others. We listen, explore, and compromise. The goal is to search for “win-win” situations, in which both participants in the conversation feel good with the agreed upon conclusion.
Some tips to promote using assertive communication:
Use “I” statements when possible. A helpful formula to use is “I feel + when + because + what I need is”. For example, “I feel sad when you don’t ask me how my day was, because it tells me you don’t care about me. What I need is for us to have a conversation about our days at work before doing anything else”.
Repeat yourself in a clear way that respects the rights of you and the person whom you are speaking with.
Think about what you are going to say before you say it aloud. Know your needs and wants and explore ways to say this that aren’t hurtful to the other person, but are still advocating for you.
Use the word “no” when you don’t want to do something. Establishing boundaries with others takes practice and can feel uncomfortable at times. Try saying no when you need to, without justifying why you are saying no.
